ON THE VANGUARD

SURELY NOT ME
"...As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
Psalm 103:12

Back in the summer of 1996, while I was visiting my family between my junior and senior college years, I went through an rough spot. I had been dealing with my pornography addiction for some time by that point and was working hard on resisting the devil that summer, and God was granting me victory. Sadly enough, I wasn't fully winning the fight. Although clean that summer, I struggled with the guilt and shame of what I had done and found myself unable to believe that God was able to forgive me for my actions. My moments of disbelief that summer were complicated as I also struggled with a physical problem that plagued my body that summer.
It was my desire to begin really putting thoughts down on paper, be it stories, poems, songs, what have you. The trouble, however, was that I could only write for a brief moment before my hands with burn with pain. I would go back and forth between the typewriter and printing by hand, looking for anyway to get my thoughts out with the least amount of pain. Each action I took was short lived.
After trying muscle creams and arthritis pain creams and still finding no relief, I humbly sought prayer from the church intercessors. As part of my intership, I had prayed alongside these warriors, so I trusted the one who pulled me aside from the prayer group and explained my pain. Without me giving her the full details, she explained to me the exact pain I was in, even the degree I was at that moment. And then she said a profound statement. "Because you are unable to forgive yourself you have this pain. God has forgiven you of your past and now you also must let it go."
I was left dumbfounded. In a way, I had come to believe that God could forgive anyone else, but surely not me. In my thought, even Charles Mason stood a greater chance of being forgiven than I did. But it was this exact thought pattern that brought upon me my own pain. She continued on for about another ten minutes or so before I was convinced that she was right. My physical pain was a symptom of my pride.
Psalm 103:12 shares that God has removed our transgressions for us. The Strong's defines this word transgressions as such:
6588 - PESHA - moral or religious revolt, rebellion, trespasses
God had already forgiven me of my revolt against Him through my sin, but I had not forgiven myself. As I later heard someone tell me, by not believing that God could forgive me of my sin I was in essence saying that I was better than God. God had mercy on all except me. I was the special child; the exception to the rule. Only I could grant myself the forgiveness I needed, not God.
As I would learn on that summer day, I am not better than God. I held myself above God, and opened myself to an attack. When this was made clear to me, and I asked God to forgive me not only for my actions, but for my attitude towards His forgiveness, my hands were instantly free of pain.
I am unsure if you have any pain as a result of not forgiving yourself, but I know that there are many who simply cannot believe that God forgives anyone except them. It is contrary to Roman 6:23 where we read that all have sinned, and I John 1:9 where we see that with our confession, God is able to forgive us our sin. There is no comment in the Bible that says God will forgive all sin except for ______(fill in the blank), or for all people except for _____(your name here). When God said ALL, He meant all people and all sin.
I challenge you as the day goes on to evaluate yourself. Are you holding a weak image of yourself because you do not think God can forgive you. Is a woe-is-me attitude stunting you from going forward in Christ. You must believe that God's word is true when it comes to forgiveness. He will, can, and does forgive you for any and all sin you have committed. Stop being weighed down by the guilt of the devil, and join me ON THE VANGUARD!