ON THE VANGUARD

ROAD TRIP LESSONS
“…Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 1:6

Another road trip has come and gone. In July I was asked to help my mom move from California to Texas which I quickly jumped at the opportunity to do. However, in a spontaneous twist of events, I was asked to make the same trip again, alone this time, driving once more from California to Texas for a few things that got left behind. As I drove down the I-40 I asked God why I was making this journey again. His response to me was because there were things He wanted to share with me that could not have been done any other way. If I stayed home I would have been distracted by my children or the TV. If I went with another person I would have been in constant conversation with that person. So in order to speak directly to me, I had to be alone. And after driving 37 hours, and most of those in tears, I would like to share with you just a fraction of what God has shown me, for they may be the same things God wants to show you.
I was reintroduced to three things that over and over, God continued to impress on me. Right from the start as I ventured out, God began to speak to me about my dependence in Him. In many cases I trust only what I have the ability to control still. I see a mountain but plan for the conquering of that mountain in my own terms. A great illustration of this is debt. I know that I personally have not been the best steward when it comes to my finances, and as such I often pray that God will allow overtime at work. When overtime comes I rejoice. I cannot say that overtime has always been God’s answer, but it is the answer I assume for the prayer I have prayed. As such, I have come to put my trust in overtime as opposed to God’s provision. But as I was out on the road, driving in the Tucumcari area of New Mexico, a storm was brewing. The truck was getting pounded by the strong wind and flashes of lightening seemed to hit the ground only miles from the road. Honestly, I grew scared. I was not in control of the storm and had to place my full trust in God for those fifty or so miles. In that moment my dependence in what I could control was quickly given over to God, where it should have been all along.
My second lesson started back right outside of Flagstaff, Arizona. I had brought with me a sermon series on anger by Larry Huch. As I listened to the first of four CDs, God began to call my attention to my own areas of anger. To describe it the best, God showed me that I go through moments where I am like a soda can, shook up and full of pressure. When the tab is moved to release the pressure in the can, the can explodes and the drink spews all over. Sadly enough, God showed me I am the same. Instead of releasing my pressure in healthy ways, I allow the pressure to build up until finally, that tab, that one last thing, puts me over the edge and BAM!, I explode. My explosion of pressure seems to land on the wrong people, though. When I was married it would land on my wife often. Sometimes now it lands on my children, or pets, or friends, or customers I work with. Yet God showed me that this was only a symptom, not the root cause.
It wouldn’t be until around Amarillo, Texas that God would help me to understand the root issue better. As I listened to another CD series by Dr. Brian Adams concerning the power of forgiveness, God began to open my eyes to a fact that I was trying hard to push down. Through my life I have made a series of stupid choices, many of which I have shared to some degree with you before in past devotionals. However stupid, I have always believed that God was willing and able to forgive me. Yet there has always been one person who has never been able to forgive me. He is myself. For the many stupid acts I have done in my 36 years I have not forgiven myself. I have not felt as though I have deserved to be forgiven.
In the final hour of the drive, God showed me how this all fits together. It is this lack of forgiveness toward myself that has opened the door for my anger to swell and become pressurized. I feel that this has also fed my control issues because I fear to let others know the pressure and self-hatred I house inside, and have worked to control it as well as my circumstances. But the truth is I have to let it go. I have to cast down my self-hatred. I have to ask God to help me forgive myself. I have to allow God to be solely in control. I have to surrender to God…ALL…just like I wrote about a few days back. God taught me so much on this trip, so much I never want to forget. If this is the benefit of a road trip, then I will gladly go again. I will continue to go until God helps shape me into the man He desires I become. I thank the Lord that He is not done with me yet, and I am expectant as this man comes more into view.