ON THE VANGUARD

"Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light."
Micah 7:8

During the summer of 2000, many things took a turn in my life. In mid July my wife called me up at work one afternoon and asked me not to be late coming home. She had some good news that she was anxious to share with me. I prompted for the reason over the phone, but she held her stance and would not budge. As soon as I completed my work I raced home to find her and another couple waiting for me. I was then escorted into a SUV where more silence awaited me. We drove downtown and ate at a fancy fondue place that night.
It wasn't until after the drinks and food were ordered that our waiter dropped off an envelope for me at our table. Honestly, I was a little perplexed as I opened it with the eyes of those at the table watching. Inside were a diaper and a white stick. Now up until this time I had never seen a pregnancy test, so I had no clue as to what this stick was. When it was finally explained to me the that double line on the test meant a baby was on its way, I was overcome with joy.
The weeks that followed, however, were not as joyful. As I have not been shy to state in the past, I had a pornography addiction. Under the pretense of 'preparing myself for what pregnancy would bring,' I began to dive deeper in my addiction. I would start simple and look only at real pregnancy sites, but my lust for something more and risky would overtake me and soon I would find myself just looking at naked sites. The only problem was, even though I did this in secret, God saw what I was doing.
In late July, my wife and I suffered a miscarriage. A host of emotions went through my mind. I began to think that this was God's way of revenge on me for the years I had already spent addicted. And in my attempts to shake this theology, I found myself medicating my pain with even more of a feeding frenzy. The place was no longer a concern; the secrecy no longer at the forefront of my mind. On August 27, 2000 I was called into my boss' office and fired for using company property to view pornography. In one summer, only a few months, I went from the happiness of family to the despair of nothing. I had lost my child, my job, and my wife who soon moved out after I finally confessed the truth.
A similar instance happened again in December 2007. My wife and I came back together after our split in 2000, and were able to work out many issues over those years, including my getting counseling and victory over my addiction. But during this winter season of counseling and hardships, she approached me and conveyed she was tired of trying to make our marriage work. Within weeks the papers were drafted and signed and I was asked to move to out. Again I realized, now with kids, that I was losing. To make matters worse, within two months of divorced being filed, I received a call from my parents that my dad had been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s.
Life is full of ups and downs. One minute you're riding high and life is a series of blessings and victories, and the next you find yourself flat on your face. In those flat times, the devil loves to come in and show us all the errors of our life. I've been 'there'; I still fight 'there'. I fight the voice that says I'm worthless, I'm unforgiven, I'm the reason life sucks. I fight that voice that screams that God can never use me because of my past. In my prayer time I fight the voice that says my dad will not be healed, or that my children will suffer the same marital fate as their mother and I. I fight it because it is a lie.
In Micah, chapter 7, we read of Israel’s misery. They have no fruit to gather. There are no righteous people in their town for they have all been swept up by evil. But, one man stands in watch for the Lord. And that one man takes his stand against the devil and screams out! "Life may suck, and you may be winning, but listen to me devil. I may be lying on back at this moment, but I'm getting up. I may be sitting in a room full of darkness, but God is my light. You have no victory over me!"
When will we stand face to face with the devil and scream out like Micah, "Enough is enough. I'm sick and tired of you stealing from me." When will we declare that the enemy must pay back what he has stolen? The devil thinks wrong if he thinks he has reason to gloat over our misfortune. Lost jobs, failed marriages, dying family, your situation...the devil has no right to it. Yes, we reap what we sow, I know this firsthand. But it was not God who took my child, my marriage, and my job. God's plans and ways are higher than mine. Perhaps the divine providence of the miscarriage was to bring me closer to God. Maybe I needed a wakeup call. And quite possibly it was me and the decisions I made that brought about the consequence of a lost marriage and job.
Your situation may be rough, and I'm not sure I can fully relate. But I assure you of one thing, God is right there with you. God sits on the edge of my dad's bed and helps him to breath his next breathe. God sits with you and helps you write that new resume when you find your position is no longer needed. God sits with the addict and waits for that moment when he cries out, "Help me, God."
"Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light." Declare this promise over yourself, and join me ON THE VANUARD!