HEART OF SORROW
"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. see what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter."
II Corinthians 7:10-11

Alright, I have already decided that I am going to put it all out on the line today and risk what you might think of me. Why? Because it is time. I wrote last time about my episode with kidney stones and how God opened my eyes to healing. I praise God because my eyes continue to be opened. Within the past week God has made Himself and His Word more alive to me.
I am not sure what your stance on spiritual warfare is. Some believe it is very real, and some do not. I grew up in a home where we were taught it was real. We had normal prayer times where we would pray through our house, do spiritual cleanings, and be on the lookout for ways the devil may try to attack. But you know, there is always that point where one has to make his or her own decisions as opposed to believing the ideas and thoughts of others. I have teetered on this for awhile, but over the weekend it became my personal conviction.
Romans 8:28 says that "...in all things God works for the good of those who love Him..." What good can come from kidney stones? For me, it was a wake up call spiritually. Although you may not agree, I believe that this was an attack from the enemy. I know my diet had some to do with it, and I have already put changes in place and lost 12 pounds. But leading up to September 9, I can see other areas where my life was being attacked. The devil's main mission is to steal, kill, and destroy us (John 10:10). This indeed is what he was trying to do to me.
But again I question, what good can come from kidney stones? As I began to read more of the Bible this week, and read websites concerning spiritual warfare, my eyes began to be opened. I was allowing the enemy in. There were doorways that were opened for him to walk in simply because of my behaviors and choices. I made the choice to view pornography and engage in acts of intimacy outside of marriage. I made the choice to lie. I made the choice to watch movies alone that I would never watch if God was physically sitting on my couch with me. No one made these choices for me; I made them alone. As I began to see my sins in this light, I began to cry. I was seeing how I was hurting God.
I John 1:9 tells us that if we confess our sin, God will forgive our sin. I believe my sins were forgiven, but I must admit that in the back of my mind I had a plan to return to my sin. When I was married and got caught viewing porn by my wife, I confessed to her and God how sorry I was. I was sorry - sorry I got caught. But when the dust settled and she thought all was different, I reverted right back to my previous state. II Corinthians 7:10 says there is a difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. I define it myself as such. Worldly sorrow is like condemnation, we kick our butts. But godly sorrow is like conviction, where we see it through God's eyes and it breaks our heart like it breaks His.
I experienced godly sorrow this weekend. In considering all these doorways I saw my sin in a new light. I began closing doors through prayer, and asking God again for forgiveness - not a cheap grace, but forgiveness for breaking His heart. I began to hate these past actions so much that I now want nothing to do with them. They have moved from a backup plan if life sucks, to a detesting. I have no intentions of going back to my sin. But, as a human, prone to sin, I need to daily pray and put on my armor so that I do not return. God's strength is stronger than my own.
I wonder what would happen if others would see their sin the way God does. If people realized that sleeping with your girlfriend breaks God's heart, or telling a little lie, or stealing something from work, or downloading illegally off the net, would we all be detested and start crying out for forgiveness in godly sorrow? II Chronicles 7:14 tells us that if we, as God's people, will humble ourselves, pray, seek His face, and turn from our wicked ways, THEN God will hear and heal. What doorways have you left open in your life for the enemy to come in and attack through? I encourage you to close the doors and seek God's face. He will heal, forgive, and love you. You don't have to be spiritually crazy, you just have to be bold enough to shut the door.

KIDNEY STONES
"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."
Isaiah 53:5

It all started when I was playing Monopoly with my children. I began feeling a discomfort in my body. At first I brushed it off as maybe being dinner not agreeing with me. The pain, however, kept getting more and more intense till finally I was bent over with pain. Out of growing concern I made a call to my mom and explained the pain I was feeling. Her advice, get to the hospital. As one who is blessed with pretty good healthy, imagine my shock as I found out in the ER that night that I had kidney stones.
I will be the first to admit that before last week I knew very little about kidney stones. In my case the doctor broke up the stones, placed a stent in my body, and then released me 24 hours later. Without going into detail, I will say that the pain lessened with medicine and time. But I believe there was a third ingredient to the healing process. Being in pain, even for about the first week after, did little for my social life but wonders for my spiritual life.
I began to read the Bible, focusing on scriptures about healing and the methods that Christ used. And then I saw it. Tucked away in my study Bible notes were these words. "Only [God] can restore us permanently to physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual wholeness." I read these words and a light clicked on. I am broken.
I was laying in my bed in physical pain. It hurt to walk, to use the bathroom, and to lift things. I wanted God to heal me. But as I read these words I began to see that I need healing in the other areas as well. As you probably know from either knowing me or reading my past entries, I am divorced, and with that comes other pains that need healing as well. Mentally my mind plays games daily. I battle self worth and hear messages repeated over and over in my mind about how terrible a person I am, and how I will never be good enough for anyone. I allow myself to beat myself down because of these lies. Emotionally I a wreck. I find myself living in fear of rejection and failure, depression, and constant sorrow. I have shut people out because I am afraid that they too will soon see nothing of value in me and turn away. And my eyes have been opened to realize that I have slowly been turning away from God. Spiritually I have made a distance.
The fact that I picked up my Bible this night to read about healing was no mistake. I saw that God wanted me to be healed in every area of my life. So as I began to pray, God's truths started coming to mind. Physically, God can and will heal. He healed the blind (Matt 9:29-30), the weak (Matt 9:6), the crazy (Matt 8:16; 28-34), the longtermers (Luke 8:43-44), and the ear of soldier (Luke 22:50-51) to name but few things.
Mentally God can heal me. The Bible says in Romans 12:2 to not be conformed to the world, but transformed by a renewed mind. I have for too long allowed the seeds of others to plant and root in my mind. So as funny as it may sound, God has shown that I need to dig out the memories, the words, the seeds of destruction and transform my mind with His truths. The truth is God does love me, that God has a plan for me, and that God will never leave me or reject me.
Emotionally God is able to heal me. He does not bring depression, loneliness, failure. Sure those are emotions that we all have at times, but we are not to stay in them. Psalm 23:4 says He brings us through the valley. We are not supposed to camp in the valley.
And spiritually, God wants to heal me. Matthew 6:33 tells us to seek first God. We are not to run from Him or take a vacation without Him. He wants to be a part of our every day life.
This entry may be a bit longer than the others, but the truth needs to be heard. Like me, we all have hurts and pains. We all need healing. You may not have kidney stones or be divorced, but you have reason to be be healed. Hebrews 13:8, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever." This is good news for us. Just as Jesus healed when He was on earth, so He is able to heal us in every area right now. Where do you need healing? Remember, by his wounds we are healed.

SCARLET LETTER
"Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the LORD' - and you forgave the guilt of my sins."
Psalm 32:5

Written by Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter is a love story between a minister and a married woman sent ahead of her husband to America. When her husband does not follow in due time, she believes him dead. She pursues a relationship with the minister, but soon after realizes that her husband is not deceased afterall. Having already moved into this new relationship, she is destined to wear a scarlet "A" on her chest. The letter "A" represents the act of adultery that she committed and is to be a symbol of her sin for all to see.
While I am not promoting this book, I am able to relate to this book. For clarity sake, I did not commit adultry. But I did learn shortly after my divorce that people tend to look at me one of two ways. There are those who know the story, followed along, counseled me in the midst of, and understood when the final actions took place. But there are also those who feel like I did not do enough, gave up too easy, or maybe even had 'someone else' waiting in the wings. I have given up trying to convince people since they only believe what they want to anyway. But from friends and church, one thing is the same. I have been given my own scarlet letter. A "D" has been stamped on my chest because of my divorce.
I recently heard my pastor speak on John 8 concerning the woman caught in the act of adultry. The Pharisees came to Jesus with the woman in hand ready to stone her for her sin. This action was right according to the Law. But when they questioned Jesus, He simply knelt down and wrote the mystery words in the dirt. Jesus got back up and stated, "If anyone of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her" (Jn 8:7). From old to young, the people left till no one was there to stone her.
I am not saying that I was the perfect husband; believe me I know my faults and take my blame. And I am not here to smash the integrity of my ex wife. But I am here to challenge us as Christians. Too often we are too quick to judge and play the role of God. We slap a letter on other people's chests, but do we realize that we are wearing one too? Not all of us have committed adultry, or gotten a divorce, but we all have sinned. We all wear the letter "S" on our chests because we are all sinners. It is for this reason that Christ died for us. When we confess our sins, He forgives the guilt of our sins as stated here is Psalm 32. Christ's blood washes away our sins, and as a result we no longer have to walk around with scarlet letters on our chests.
I urge and encourage you today, to examine yourself. Are you wearing an "S" on your chest? If so, then like me, stop covering yourself and acknowledge your sin. Confess your sins to God. He will forgive you and cover your "S" with His blood.