ON THE VANGUARD

CHALLENGING HUSBANDS EVERY WHERE
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."
Ephesians 5:25

I wrote a letter to a friend today, which isn't a strange thing, but it was one that I wish would have been written to me years ago. See, more and more these days I hear about couples having marriage problems and being caught at that pivotal point where they weigh staying verses divorcing. I have learned not to judge, especially since I also had that decision to make. God hates divorce (Mal 2:16), but what if we looked our marriage with new eyes. Let me explain what I mean by sharing some of the lessons I've learned in the past two years.
I married in August of 1998 to a lady I met 2 years before while I was in college. She was part of a missionary group passing through town. We were fond of each other and after hitting it off well, I asked for her address. For the next 22 months we wrote back and forth and got to know each other more in our letters. On Thanksgiving of 1997 I took the Greyhound from Oklahoma to Montana to see her, and in our second face to face conversation, I proposed to her. She accepted, but the me I appeared to be in my letters was not the me I was in person.
After graduating in May 1998, I moved to Montana to enjoy the last 3 months of our engagement and being able to see her on a daily basis. It was then that she began to see me for who I truely was. In my letters I described myself as a Man of God, a wise person, a guy who could play the guitar well, sing better, and wanted to share God with all nations. The truth of who I was, though, was a guy addicted to porn, not fully devoted to her, no money, no real dreams, too much debt from student loans, and far from God. That is the man she married. I learned how to lie well, act well, and say the right things. But when I was alone I was a wreck and looking for my next fix. This constant Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde routine caught up with me and was the reason for many fights during those summer months. At one point she had considered not getting married to me because in her heart she felt it was not right. Pushed by me and my promise to change, as well as other friends I had convinced, we did marry.
As you can imagine, since our marriage was set on the right foundation, the marriage soon sank. On Aug 29, 2000 I was called into my boss' office and was fired because of viewing porn on the boss' computer. I went home that day to my wife and told a lie about false accusations, but the truth is I knew I had been caught. Two days later she moved out. I lost it all, my wife, job, miscarried child, friends. I lived on ramen noodles and beans since I had little money. I went looking for jobs daily, any type job. When I wasn't working I was fighting between trying to be right and better myself, and indulging my lust. I went to counseling, met with friends, and did anything I could to take the pain away. Finally I decided I needed real help and enrolled myself into Pure Life Ministries in Kentucky, where they counsel sexual addictions. I began to see my problems and their affect. I saw how my choices affected my wife, how they made her feel demeaned and worthless. I saw that my pain was the issue, and my drug of choice was porn. Although I was becoming a different man and finally growing up, I think the change was made too late. Years later the marriage would end in divorce.
Rejection, anger, frustration, loss, guilt, condemnation, loss of appetite, suicide...these are just a few of the feelings I had. No pain was worse than knowing that I had become a negative statistic. I had been slapped in the face by my own actions and the affect that they would have. And now, now that the paper work is done and I have been able to adjust to the divorced dad statistic, now I finally realize the pain of what I did years ago. I didn't think I was hurting anyone, but I hurt everyone with my porn. I hurt my wife...she never trusted me again. I hurt my children...because I broke up the family and stripped them of security. I hurt myself...I still deal with the waves of pain that come. But I also hurt God...who gave me all the blessings I had in life. My wounds were not from physical punches, but from choices. They hurt just the same. Damage to the body can heal, but damage to the heart takes longer, and in many cases does not heal. Unfortunately it turns to bitterness.
But here is the hope, the Great Romance. Because God loved us, and we had chosen to walk away, He sent His Son. He showed us the ultimate picture of love by making a sacrifice of His Son for us. You see Ephesians 5 talks about just this. The church is God's bride. God did all He could to show us His love. It is up to us to respond. For me, I have seen His love and want to love Him back. God is a gentleman and will not force us to love Him. It is a choice, and I have chosen to love Him. But is it not the same in marriage? Sure it is. I cannot make anyone love me, just as you cannot make your spouse love you. It must be something they choose. But our actions, words, thoughts, behaviors affect their decision. If our wives sees us husbands in love with Jesus, not a trick but really in love, then our wives see our heart. And when you are in love with Jesus, you begin to take on His character. Soon what the wife sees in the husband is really God in him coming outward. She then in turn will have no problem loving you, trusting you, wanting to be with you. But it all starts with the man.
Does God treat you, husband, the way you treat her? For me, the answer was no. God did not treat me with anger, judgment, or condescending words, yet I treated my wife this way. I wondered why she didn't love me early in our marriage, but it was because I was not reflecting Jesus. The wife's love for for husband will not exist until we as men reflect God. I learned this too late, and my wife's heart was already too wounded and bitterness had settled in. But you, husband, still have a chance. Divorce is not official with your marriage; it is just a word that you threaten each other with. But while there is still hope, while you still have the chance...Love God, reflect God, let her see God in you. God hates divorce. Take it from one who knows.