ON THE VANGUARD

HEART OF SORROW
"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. see what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter."
II Corinthians 7:10-11

Alright, I have already decided that I am going to put it all out on the line today and risk what you might think of me. Why? Because it is time. I wrote last time about my episode with kidney stones and how God opened my eyes to healing. I praise God because my eyes continue to be opened. Within the past week God has made Himself and His Word more alive to me.
I am not sure what your stance on spiritual warfare is. Some believe it is very real, and some do not. I grew up in a home where we were taught it was real. We had normal prayer times where we would pray through our house, do spiritual cleanings, and be on the lookout for ways the devil may try to attack. But you know, there is always that point where one has to make his or her own decisions as opposed to believing the ideas and thoughts of others. I have teetered on this for awhile, but over the weekend it became my personal conviction.
Romans 8:28 says that "...in all things God works for the good of those who love Him..." What good can come from kidney stones? For me, it was a wake up call spiritually. Although you may not agree, I believe that this was an attack from the enemy. I know my diet had some to do with it, and I have already put changes in place and lost 12 pounds. But leading up to September 9, I can see other areas where my life was being attacked. The devil's main mission is to steal, kill, and destroy us (John 10:10). This indeed is what he was trying to do to me.
But again I question, what good can come from kidney stones? As I began to read more of the Bible this week, and read websites concerning spiritual warfare, my eyes began to be opened. I was allowing the enemy in. There were doorways that were opened for him to walk in simply because of my behaviors and choices. I made the choice to view pornography and engage in acts of intimacy outside of marriage. I made the choice to lie. I made the choice to watch movies alone that I would never watch if God was physically sitting on my couch with me. No one made these choices for me; I made them alone. As I began to see my sins in this light, I began to cry. I was seeing how I was hurting God.
I John 1:9 tells us that if we confess our sin, God will forgive our sin. I believe my sins were forgiven, but I must admit that in the back of my mind I had a plan to return to my sin. When I was married and got caught viewing porn by my wife, I confessed to her and God how sorry I was. I was sorry - sorry I got caught. But when the dust settled and she thought all was different, I reverted right back to my previous state. II Corinthians 7:10 says there is a difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. I define it myself as such. Worldly sorrow is like condemnation, we kick our butts. But godly sorrow is like conviction, where we see it through God's eyes and it breaks our heart like it breaks His.
I experienced godly sorrow this weekend. In considering all these doorways I saw my sin in a new light. I began closing doors through prayer, and asking God again for forgiveness - not a cheap grace, but forgiveness for breaking His heart. I began to hate these past actions so much that I now want nothing to do with them. They have moved from a backup plan if life sucks, to a detesting. I have no intentions of going back to my sin. But, as a human, prone to sin, I need to daily pray and put on my armor so that I do not return. God's strength is stronger than my own.
I wonder what would happen if others would see their sin the way God does. If people realized that sleeping with your girlfriend breaks God's heart, or telling a little lie, or stealing something from work, or downloading illegally off the net, would we all be detested and start crying out for forgiveness in godly sorrow? II Chronicles 7:14 tells us that if we, as God's people, will humble ourselves, pray, seek His face, and turn from our wicked ways, THEN God will hear and heal. What doorways have you left open in your life for the enemy to come in and attack through? I encourage you to close the doors and seek God's face. He will heal, forgive, and love you. You don't have to be spiritually crazy, you just have to be bold enough to shut the door.